I grew up hearing and believing that Learning is a means to
an end. Life has been as kind to me as to kick my backside every time and
finally making me accept and admit that Learning is an end in itself.
Paradoxically enough, Learning has no End. I heard that the best place to start
with, is one's own self. So I started studying myself.
When I embarked on this mission of self- study, I realized
that what I had presumed to be a cup of tea is actually an ocean of brine in
itself. My heart sank at the prospect of never being able to complete. But then wise people say that we have come
into the world bare and alone and will return to the elements in the same way.
Nothing is for the ‘taking’ or ‘keeping’. So I convinced myself that whatever I
manage to achieve will only give me joy, and no one’s going to judge me for
what level I achieve or fail to achieve. These are paths not frequented by
many. There aren't many hares to taunt this tortoise.
I was at the CCSHAU (University, where I was doing my
Masters studies) shopping center when such noble thoughts were seeding in my
head. Not a person to procrastinate in such innovative and capital investment free ventures, I resolved to start
immediately. At that funny moment in my life I was taking puffs of happiness
out of a Gold Flake cigarette. Yes, that’s the brand I vouched loyalty to, all
my smoking days. Thus I undertook my first ‘study of myself’- How many puffs
are required at my usual pace to suck up the cigarette, till the embers reached
the logo at the bottom, a couple of millimeters above the filter (The portion
that dedicated smokers of my acquaintance called the Golden kiss; but I always
maintained unequivocal hatred for that revolting and distasteful last puff).
Having thus made an outline of the study to be conducted and
of the inventory requirements, I returned to my room in Ajanta Hostel (163, or
165?). I had all that was required to carry out the study; one and a half pack
of cigarettes and a match box. I intended to put myself through a set schedule
of smoking a cigarette every waking hour and take down the number of puffs.
This was to account for any variations due to vagaries in my mood over the
period of the day. Well okay, that needs some explanation.
Those were very troubled times for me (or so I perceived).
At one end, I was only physically present in Haryana, my mind was really somewhere else (that’s a
different story all together). At the other end my Masters guide was not making
things any easier for me. Now that I think back, the main problem was that I
had gone to Haryana
with the sole academic objective of completing my masters and returning in two
years. It never occurred to me that I would be spending a couple of years of my
academic life in CCSHAU, why not enjoy it and make the most of it. On top of
that, having a circle of Bengali seniors and batch mates didn't really help.
Other than the occasional (although the occasions were not scarce) get together
to drink and make merry and share general contempt for the ‘pig-headed’, drunk ,brawling
and whoring ‘local’ hostelers nothing
substantial was achieved in these communions. Well that’s beside the point. On
the whole, I was not at peace with myself and would be in different states of
mood depending on the plane on which my mind was dwelling.
So the next day, I executed the study as planned and at the
end of it (at about four o clock, the following morning), I came to results
that were quite amazing. Barring the cigarette that I had smoked during the
game of cricket on the field, in all the other 12 instances, I had finished the
cigarette in 13 puffs. The outlier result on the field was 17 puffs,
attributable to heightened physical activity and shorter drags to accommodate a
parched throat. From this raw data, I concluded that whatever my emotional
state over the study period, the 5-6 minutes spent on smoking always brought it
to a different plane that is away from the current state. The results indicated
(at least to my ‘scientific’ mind, or whatever you may take the liberty of calling
it), smoking distracts our mind from whatever it is dwelling on. In other words
it provides the mind an escape, a wormhole to a completely different world.
When one is stressed, a short period of escape from the
problem at hand seems reasonable enough. The problem is that, once one gets
acquainted with this escape plan, he starts using it for every single reason.
It may become an indispensable companion, whether one is burning the midnight
lamp, playing chess, having a ‘man-to-man’ talk, watching an India- Pakistan
cricket match, or simply waiting for his girlfriend. So the situation becomes
completely reversed. When one begins, he has genuine stress and is looking for
a stress-buster; later on he looks out for ‘stress’-full situations, excuses,
to use his ‘stress-buster’. Well whatever it is, I was very satisfied that my
study was completed successfully and unhindered, and more importantly, with
solid results.
Thus, began my journey of studying ‘myself’, stupid as it
may seem now, I know how important it had been to me in those days. The subject
(smoking) was pathetic to begin so grand a venture. But then, it is just like
the outskirts of a big forest. Dense, thorny bushes block one’s entry. Its only
when one manages to get through this initial obstacle, the jungle floor reveals
clearer passages. And just like that over the years, I have observed and realised many things, but those are all stories for another time.
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